An Iterative Reckoning

It feels as if each day I face a crossroads of direction. 

Direction. Focus. Intent. Uncovering. Discovering. Finding myself. I find myself in many environments, many people, many cosmologies, many details,

sometimes feeling lost

in waves of others’ emotions, dreams, political ideologies –

ways of being. But where is mine? 

I recently discovered I have ~ Neptunian energy ~ 

watery visions overlay my fiery and earthy nature, 

I seemingly get lost in many things to Find myself. I merge, fall, love, only to be confused about where my body and soul are distinct from another's. But maybe that is the point. I know I have a specific purpose on this Earth, as we all do. The notion that we do not 

diminishes our divinity, our agency to be changemakers, regardless of magnitude. 

Because we are all interconnected, we see it and feel it everyday though we try to numb ourselves to this. My deep desire to merge yet be distinct, to feel others but feel seen, is my internal reckoning with interconnectivity. And in my reality of reckoning with my connections and disconnections –

I have caused harm,  and I have felt pain at the hands of others –

I come back to an interactive reimagining of myself. 

Like a seed, often spending time in the dark, gestating, germinating, orienting until the right conditions emerge to root and sprout. 

Like the composting and recycling of all organics, so too do my thoughts and beliefs cycle through me, 

needing to be broken down and examined before being available to support life. 

At the moment, I face another crossroads, which I will again tomorrow, and every day that I will have on this blessed planet. And so I will continue to wrestle with myself, but at every moment, becoming a little stronger, a little more vulnerable, a little more myself each time.

And in each of these iterations of me, I will come closer to my purpose.